classification: comedy
for those of you who are not "fortunate" enough
to live in california, here is a copy of the california driver's exam, and
for those of you who do, study real hard. this is a new exam. since driving
conditions (and culture) are unique in los angeles, you may not have realized
that the california department of motor vehicles has now issued a
special application and driver's test solely for the los angeles metropolitan
area.
here it is:
greater los angeles area driver's
license application:
name:___________________ stage name: ____________________
agent:___________________
attorney:_______________________
![bullet](_themes/bt/bullet_bullseyearrow.gif) | sex: ___male
___female ___ formerly male ___ formerly female ____both
if female, indicate breast implant
size: _______
|
![bullet](_themes/bt/bullet_bullseyearrow.gif) | will the
size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any
way? yes___ no
___
|
![bullet](_themes/bt/bullet_bullseyearrow.gif) | please list brand of cell phone:
________. if you don't own a cell
phone, please explain:________________________ |
![bullet](_themes/bt/bullet_bullseyearrow.gif) | please check hair color: females:
[ ] blonde
[ ] platinum blonde
teenagers: [ ] purple [ ] blue [ ]
skinhead |
![bullet](_themes/bt/bullet_bullseyearrow.gif) | please check activities you perform
while driving: (check all that apply) [ ] eating [ ] applying make-up [ ] talking on the phone [ ] slapping kids in the
back-seat [ ] applying
cellulite treatment to thighs [
] tanning [x] snorting cocaine
(already checked for ease of application) [ ] watching tv [ ] reading variety [ ] surfing the net via laptop |
![bullet](_themes/bt/bullet_bullseyearrow.gif) | please indicate how many times
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | you expect to shoot at other
drivers _____ |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) |
how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____
|
|
![bullet](_themes/bt/bullet_bullseyearrow.gif) | if you are the victim of a carjacking, you should
immediately:
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | call the police
to report the crime |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | call
channel 4 news to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for 911
call not going through |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | call
your therapist |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | none of the
above (south central residents only)
|
|
![bullet](_themes/bt/bullet_bullseyearrow.gif) | in the
event of an earthquake, should you:
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | stop your car |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | keep
driving and hope for the best |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | pull out your video camera and
obtain footage for channel 4
|
|
![bullet](_themes/bt/bullet_bullseyearrow.gif) | in the instance of
rain, you should:
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | never
drive over 5 mph |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | drive twice
as fast as usual |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | you're not
sure what "rain" is
|
|
![bullet](_themes/bt/bullet_bullseyearrow.gif) | please indicate number of
therapy sessions per week: ______.
|
![bullet](_themes/bt/bullet_bullseyearrow.gif) | are you
presently taking any of the following medications?
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | prozac |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | zovirax |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | lithium |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | zanax |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | valium |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | zoloft |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | *if none, please
explain: __________________. |
|
![bullet](_themes/bt/bullet_bullseyearrow.gif) | length of
daily commute:
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | 1
hour |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | 2 hours |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | 3 hours |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | 4 hours or more
|
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![bullet](_themes/bt/bullet_bullseyearrow.gif) | when stopped by police, should you:
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | pull over and have your driver's
license and insurance form ready |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 freeway |
![bullet](_themes/bt/arrow_nextgold_blackborder.gif) | have your video camera ready and provoke
them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit. |
|