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california driver's license application

classification:  comedy

for those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in california, here is a copy of the california driver's exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. this is a new exam. since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in los angeles, you may not have realized that the california department of motor vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the los angeles metropolitan area.

here it is:

greater los angeles area driver's license application:

name:___________________   stage name: ____________________
agent:___________________  attorney:_______________________

bulletsex: ___male ___female ___ formerly male ___ formerly female ____both
if female, indicate breast implant size:  _______
bulletwill the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?    yes___  no ___
bulletplease list brand of cell phone:  ________.
if you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________
bulletplease check hair color:
     females:     [  ] blonde [  ] platinum  blonde
     teenagers:  [  ] purple  [  ] blue  [  ] skinhead
bulletplease check activities you perform while driving: (check all that apply)
     [  ] eating
     [  ] applying make-up
     [  ] talking on the phone
     [  ] slapping kids in the back-seat
     [  ] applying cellulite treatment to thighs
     [  ] tanning
     [x] snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
     [  ] watching tv
     [  ] reading variety
     [  ] surfing the net via laptop
bulletplease indicate how many times
bulletyou expect to shoot at other drivers  _____
bullet how many times you expect to be shot at while driving  _____
bulletif you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
bulletcall the police to report the crime
bulletcall channel 4 news to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
bulletcall your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
bulletcall your therapist
bulletnone of the above (south central residents only)
bulletin the event of an earthquake, should you:
bulletstop your car
bulletkeep driving and hope for the best
bulletimmediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
bulletpull out your video camera and obtain footage for channel 4
bullet in the instance of rain, you should:
bulletnever drive over 5 mph
bulletdrive twice as fast as usual
bulletyou're not sure what "rain" is
bulletplease indicate number of therapy sessions per week:  ______.
bulletare you presently taking any of the following medications?
bullet prozac
bullet*if none, please explain:  __________________.
bulletlength of daily commute:
bullet1 hour
bullet2 hours
bullet3 hours
bullet 4 hours or more
bullet when stopped by police, should you:
bulletpull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
bullettry to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 freeway
bullethave your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

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